What we’re really talking about here is surrender. Not a depressed or hopeless “Oh, what’s the use? Who cares?” sense of resignation, but a conscious choice to open to the unknown and step toward trusting ourselves and Spirit more deeply.
A client recently told me a story that struck my heart as a beautiful example of finding strength in surrender. A group of English women were incarcerated in a Japanese prison camp during World War II. Instead of succumbing to their despair, they decided to organize an a cappella choir, which became so good that they toured Europe when they were released. Instead of losing hope in the face of a gargantuanly inhumane lemon, these courageous and inventive women chose to thrive, and made some very potent lemonade in the process.
Another important kind of constructive surrender has to do with letting go of unrealistic and unrealized hope. If your hope of a different reality keeps bashing against a stone wall, it’s probably time to give it up. Ivy, a dear friend of mine, was involved in a dreadful court case that essentially destroyed life as she and her family had known it, even after they were totally exonerated. After much agony, therapy, time, and soul-searching, she shared this thought: “I’ve finally come to realize that our hope cannot control, sway, or change others, and I have truly let go of what happened and am moving fully into life as it is now.”
My friend’s process of moving through a horribly unfair experience into the light of hope was not an easy or quick one, and included periods of dark and debilitating depression, plus a healthy dose of anger. However, by finding professional help, facing each feeling as she could, surrendering to her own vulnerability, and expressing, but not acting on, wishes for revenge, she now radiates strength, enthusiasm, and creativity. “It was hideous, horrible, and absolutely life-changing. I wouldn’t choose to go through what we did, but I sure like the qualities I’ve gained as a result of the experience,” she says. As Ivy found out in a very hard way, we need to give up hopes rooted in the desire for other people to change.
Surrender is a difficult concept to grasp because our culture places such a premium on control and conquest. Surrender implies loss of control and being overpowered. And it is often exactly this fear of losing control that makes us deny our feelings and stuff our grief, rather than working through issues as they arise. It’s natural to fear that intense feelings will overwhelm you if you open yourself up, and that may actually happen for a while. In the long run, however, avoiding a feeling weakens you and renders the feeling much more powerful than surrendering to it does. Because it takes tremendous energy to keep feelings at bay, the effort of resistance and avoidance is extremely stressful to both body and psyche. That’s why it’s so important to have support. Please don’t try to go it alone when the time comes to work through scary feelings. Reach out. Talk with friends or professionals, take care of your body, and try to rest as much as possible.
Excerpted from How to Stay Upbeat in a Beat Down World by Sue Patton Thoele. Available on Amazon.
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