Dear Friends,
Because my 75th birthday is this month, I’ve been musing a lot about the realities, blessings, and vicissitudes of aging. One thing I’ve gleaned from these musings is that my younger self’s belief I would have all my “stuff” together by this ripe ol’ age was a fantasy.
Enoughness
A few months ago, Gene and I went to a living room meditation gathering. The format was simple. Short guided meditations and participant sharing interspersed with long periods of silence. During the final silence, I experienced a profound sense of “enoughness.” In those sweet, lingering moments, I was enough and everything and everyone in my life was beautifully and flawlessly enough. My heart was full to overflowing yet light as air. The feeling was so blissful it prompted me to choose Effortless Enoughness as my soul’s intention for the year. During a White Stone ceremony at church, I wrote those soothing words on my stone and put it in my little sand tray confident that effortless enoughness was my new normal.
The Universe chuckled.
From Pinnacle to Pit
Although I reveled in effortless enoughness for a while, a heart-searing experience of character-assassination by a “friend,” constant pain (am getting a new hip for my birthday), some relationship misunderstandings, and myriad other losses and discombobulations eventually kicked me off the pinnacle of enoughness into a pit of fear and self-doubt.
I obsessed. Maybe my former friend was right. Maybe I was as horribly icky as she believed me to be. Maybe I really was old and pain was now a constant, limiting companion. I had road rash of the soul. Insecurity trampled peace of mind, and ancient not-enough buttons were red hot and touchy. Shame reigned.
With Intention and Love, Things Get Better
Luckily, even during the worst of my self-flagellation, an Inner Observer gently reminded me of realities such as This, too, shall pass. Remember your intention. God loves you. You are lovable and my life’s motto, Live gently with yourself and others. Even though my intention was to learn the lessons inherent in this experience, the tumult of emotion made it hard to pay attention to my inner voice or take in the support and understanding shown me by family and friends. As you know, fear freezes almost everything, and it certainly had encased my heart in icy self-doubt and was blocking my ability to notice let alone bask in a flow of loving energy.
With great relief and gobs of gratitude, I am now making good progress back toward the pinnacle.
The major lessons of this experience for me?
Time! It takes time to ride the roller coaster of emotional upheaval to the eventual oasis of acceptance and healing.
Patience is essential.
Trusting there will eventually be a return to balance and harmony helps.
Relaxing in the arms of God (or any nurturing benevolence such as Nature), with a firm belief and intention that all will be well, facilitates our healing process.
No matter what our chronological age, there is growth to be gleaned, insights to be unveiled, forgiveness to be given and received, and increased peace of mind and heart to be enjoyed, and joy to be reveled in. There is enough.
Please live patiently and gently with yourself and others.
Love and hugs, Sue
